Thoughts

When I was a kid I used to dream about what my life would be like when I grew up. I remember when my dream was to be a marine biologist because my mom bought me this book about the ocean and it had all these amazing photos. I used to go to the school library and check out books about sea life. I wanted to be a marine biologist by the time I was sixteen. At the time I thought sixteen was the age that I would be considered an adult because it seemed so far away. Then my dream changed and I wanted to grow up to become a Pokemon master, like Ash Ketchum. By the time I was sixteen I was convinced that when I grew up I would be a writer. I had a passion for books and I had all these ideas for stories. I figured one of them would strike gold. Then I realized that I didn’t really have the skill for writing and my ideas were actually pretty one dimensional. Now I’m an adult and I’m trying to get my shit together. My dream now is to get to a point in my life where I can be comfortable and content. I want a job that I enjoy and someone to come home to. I want to be self reliant. I want to buy my own car and I want to read as many books as I can before I die. I guess I just thought I would have it all figured out by now.

Love is dead.

Supposedly, love is this great and powerful thing. It’s this crazy, frightening, exhilarating experience. Once in a lifetime. Soul mates and growing old together and all that. Something like a fairy tale except that it’s real and you’re so excited because you have finally found “the one.” Except that the very idea of true love just seems so unrealistic. At least, it seems that way to me. I think somewhere along the line I have confused reality with fiction. I read these books about romance and adventure and I crave it. I crave that feeling of needing someone so much that I can’t picture my life without them in it, and knowing that they need me just as badly. I forget that these books are nothing but fiction, designed to take you through these highs and lows. I’m not sure I believe in all that stuff anymore. I think I stopped believing in it a long time ago. I’ve seen how fleeting love is for most of you. How you can claim to fall in love with someone you met barely a week before, just to fall in love with someone new a month later. And all these short marriages and bitter, ugly divorces. And the fighting, and the cheating and the lies and and the bullshit. If that’s what love is, then maybe I don’t want it. Maybe I’m just in one of those moods where I’m lonely and angry for no reason. Maybe I’m only seeing the negative points and leaving out the good parts. Love is not meant to be fleeting, or bitter, or resentful. Frankly, some times I doubt true love even exists. Let alone, that I’ll find it for myself. 

2013

Now that we are approaching a new year I want to get back on track with my excersising and I want to get my eating habits under control. I wanna be like I was when I left the hospital a couple years back. Which means no sweets, smaller portions, LOTS of water and sugar free jello :D And I gotta start going on my daily walks again. And jogging and exercising at home. But I always say I'm gonna start doing this and it never seems to last long. I'm hoping this time is different.

Being away from Ohio for the past couple years has taught me a lot about who my friends are.

Some of my friends haven’t made much of an effort to stay in contact. That’s life, I guess. Some friends just grow apart and distance doesn’t help matters. It’s weird when I see some people and I think about how little I know about their lives now, when I used to be such a big part of their lives before. 

But there are some friendships that have only gotten stronger since I moved away and I’m so grateful. Because they have shown me who I can count on to be there regardless of how much distance is between us. This move is going to be hard for me. Separating myself from my family is going to be so difficult. But it’s good to know that I have good people in Ohio waiting for me. 

I just want to get to a point where I am truly content with my life.

I don’t need anything extravagant. I don’t need lots of money or lots of friends. I just want a simple life. I wanna surround myself with good people and I want someone to protect and love and care for. I want to be around my family. I want to live comfortably. I want stability. 

That’s all.  I just don’t know how I am going to make it happen.

First Chubby Experience xD

I was asked on a forum to describe my first sexual experience with another chubby man. I responded with this.

I was 14 :/ A friend had hooked me up with a friend from her school. We both spent the night at her house and we all watched a few movies and shit. He kept stroking me through my jeans and I just kept watching the movie like nothing was happening. When she left to go talk to her girlfriend on the phone, he just unzipped me and took me in his mouth. Just like that. No fucking hesitation. I lasted all of 3 minutes.
  • Current Mood
    horny horny

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Another reason why I want to move back this summer. I feel like my friends are moving on and if I take to long to come back there may not be a place for me in their lives anymore.

Fuck, man. I still can't believe that Whitney Houston is dead.

I remember when I was in middle school and I was pretty much obsessed with the soundtrack for The Bodyguard. Whitney had such an amazing voice and I was just in awe of it. I remember sitting in the bus and listening to her songs on my cd player over and over and over again. 

I haven’t been too affected by very many celebrity deaths, not since Bea Arthur, Estelle Getty and Rue Mclanaghan. But I’m not ashamed to say that this one is shaking me up a bit. RIP Whitney. You are truly unforgettable. 

  • Current Mood
    sad sad

I wish I wasn't so awkward in social situations.

It’s a wonder I have any friends at all. Then again, all of my friends are in Ohio. I miss them so badly sometimes. I miss getting drunk with Jordan. I miss getting Starbucks and hanging out at the mall with Brennen. Smoking hookah and going for late night McDonald’s with Val. Going to church with Maria and Katie. I miss going to concerts with Marinsie, or even just hanging out in her living room watching Adult Swim with her and Panda.

I don’t have any of that here. It’s hard for me to actually connect with most people. Well, with any luck, I’ll be back in Ohio by summer.