I'm not sure what it was that sparked the thought of you in my mind. I wondered what walks of life you have travelled these last five years. If you would be different or unchanged by time. Funny how a lot of the memories have already faded for me. Though that may be a testament to my forgetful nature.
Then I found that poem you wrote about me. Still public. And still just as effective.
I read about my inherent selfishness. I read as you painted an image of me that was toxic. As though I was a leech on your shoulder, draining you of life. Was it simply that I could not love you in the way that you wanted to be loved? Did my apparent selfishness stem from my desire to have a life outside of the friendship we had? To have meaningful relationships aside from the one I shared with you? What gets to me is reading about my selfishness described as though it was my nature. Implying that this trait has been woven into the fabric of my being.
My nature is gentle like water softly spilling over rocks in a stream. This much I know about myself. But there is a side to me that is selfish. Just as I have a side to me that is insecure and filled with anxiety. And this insecurity has bled into my friendships. It's instilled a fear in me of abandonement. Made me question loyalties for even the slightest change in energy.
I am combating and actively unlearning this behavior every day. Because in a lot of ways it reminds me of how you often made me feel. And I don't want to be that kind of presence for anyone in my life. And so I ask myself...what have I learned? Am I to have faith in my friendships and allow them room to breathe? Or am I to cling too tightly and risk damaging something that could have been beautiful and long lasting?
I found myself missing you today. But then I found that poem and I was reminded of why I only allow myself to look forward.